2021 Year-end Thanksgiving Reflections

 

The past year affected all of us in immeasurable ways. What began as a promise of recovery from the horrors of 2020 with the Covid-19 vaccine fizzled out, like a New Year’s Eve sparkler dying out. In January 2021, I was hopeful that I would be able to travel soon to see my family in the Philippines. It was not to be. The US is on its 5th Covid wave with Omicron threatening to infect one and all.

As I prepared for our church’s Year-end Thanksgiving for 2021, I cleared my mind in grateful reflection.  I can proudly say that I am blessed. Last Dec. 25-26, the Church of Christ (Iglesia ni Cristo) members celebrated our year-end Thanksgiving in person, instead of on Webex as we did last year. 

INC Hymn #134

Oh my Father, I now deeply meditate

On the blessings, You give day by day

Truly You have never failed to care for me

And You provide my every need

It is my duty, Lord, to praise and worship You.

Ever worshipping your name faithfully;

It is my duty, Lord, to offer all to You

Oh, the very life You give to me.

Despite this year being still challenging in many other ways, there is still so much to be thankful for.

• The Gift of Life
• Family and friends
• Work
• My new book

For all these, I am thankful.

I am grateful to be an educator and a nurse leader.

When I left my previous job and started another journey, I was extremely gratified by the overwhelming support and love from my nursing staff, as well as all those who I have worked with. Their words are precious to me and have given me strength, inspiration, and determination. Their validation of my work meant to me more than I can ever express. I will forever hold them close to my heart. 

I would like to share some of their thoughts:

“You have been an exemplary role model for me. Many times over the past year, I have felt overwhelmed and hapless. You were always available to listen to our complaints- even when you knew that there was nothing you could do. You displayed continuous optimism, even in the midst of what seemed like a never-ending nightmare during the COVID peak last year. You are the primary reason that I kept coming back to work and picking up extra shifts when I could. Thank you for that.

You will be the standard that I will compare others to in the future. I hope that wherever you go, you will continue to show others the light when it seems so dark.”

“Thank you for everything you have done for me and the department. You were with us every day fighting on the frontlines as we fought our first pandemic. Your encouragement and support helped me get out of bed in the morning to come to work. Although I was scared every day coming to work while pregnant, I always knew you were there to support me. For that, I will always be grateful.

You always encouraged us to be the best version of ourselves and to further our education. I always enjoyed your CEN questions in your weekly email, an email I looked forward to. I appreciated your transparency on department initiatives and staffing. I always knew you were fighting for us every day. You were an extraordinary leader and I hope one day I can strive to be a leader like you."

“I feel so lucky to have had you throughout the pandemic, We could not have done it without you.”

"Please know how grateful I am that we had you as our leader, especially this past year. I will never forget you."

New nurses: passing the torch

Today was the last day of class in 2021 for the new graduate nurses in the nursing residency program that I was consulting with. Knowing the challenges that they will be facing as they start their career as ER nurses, I shared with them how I survived the psychological land mines in a complicated but emotionally rewarding profession. In a way, I felt I was passing the torch and I felt compelled to encourage them as much as I could.

Gratitude journal. Finding my joy. Work-life balance. Self-care. Knowing that I made a difference. Sharing my love of nursing. Grateful meditation. All these fortified me and kept me standing through the years. 

I asked the new nurses to reflect on what things they are grateful for. They recounted those special moments when patients thanked them for their compassionate care. Some even said that even if their patients forgot to thank them at times, they feel empowered to have made a difference in their patients' lives. It was an emotional exercise for all of us, and I tried to hold back my tears. I am proud of them.

They ALL expressed their gratitude for the opportunity to serve as a nurse, despite this Omicron threat and the short-staffing.  Then they thanked all the other instructors and me for guiding them and preparing them for this career.  

Hearing the words of praise from these new nurses was a gift I didn't know I needed to hear. 

Here comes 2022. Happy New Year, everyone. Be safe. God bless.

 

Tired of Covid

 

My nurse-friend in Florida called me in tears. She was overwhelmed.

“I am tired. I am tired of seeing so many patients die. I see the fear in their eyes as they gasp for air, as they start calling for their loved ones. And I am helpless. The Covid patients keep coming.” she said with a sigh. The sound of exhaustion.

I remember back in April last year when I heard the same words from my nursing staff in the ED. New York was the epicenter then. I could only listen as they poured their hearts out. I was helpless as my nurses broke down in tears. These were strong nurses who’ve seen them all, but how could you remain stoic when patients die in horrifying numbers? 

I swallowed my own fears because my staff needed me to be strong for them. I could only offer my shoulders to cry on. I could only listen.

I have referred many of my staff to psychologists. I gave them some time off to unwind and be with their family and friends. So that they can be healthy, physically, emotionally, and mentally. In these tough times, to survive, I actively sought my moments of joy. 

Somehow, through our shared grief for those we lost, we found the strength to keep moving on. The staff bonded over the feasts of donated food. We enjoyed the 7pm clapping from our community and the firemen and the police. We danced when a Covid-19 patient was discharged. We cheered when the Covid numbers started to decrease.

Last December, I felt overjoyed when I received my first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. I was hopeful that the end is in sight. I was certain that every single person who went through the nightmarish pandemic would embrace the vaccine as I did. I prayed that in a few months, I would finally be able to travel and see my mom after two years.

But the promise of freedom from masks did not come. We are in the 4th surge of Covid and who knows how many more variants will there be? Here in New York, it is not as intense as it was last year, but other states are reporting of hospitals overwhelmed by sick patients, mostly unvaccinated. 

I cannot comprehend the resistance against the vaccines, I am frustrated that the other countries around the world remain in the chokehold of this pandemic because they do not get the vaccines that others have declined. I am heartbroken that I have not seen my mother in two years.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is real among healthcare workers. Every sniffle, body ache, and headache cause concern. Fever and cough trigger anxiety attacks. The angst is a visceral reaction that conjures images of intubation. For a nurse who has seen the worst, it is traumatic to envision oneself going through the same thing.

There is a staffing shortage. The healthcare staff is tired and exhausted. The vaccine mandate is divisive and controversial. How do you balance freedom of choice versus public health safety? In my honest opinion, it is necessary and maybe the only way we can get out of this torture.

Just a few days ago, I heard of a friend in the Philippines who died of Covid-19.  When will this nightmare end?

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Pandemic Reflection: One Year Later

 

March 11, 2021-

Today is a moment of reflection for all of us. I wrote this in my journal, not knowing that Covid would still persist as a menace a year later. The loss of lives is still staggering and so emotional. Two more losses, one was an agency companion/sitter at work and another a church member in the prime of her life. When will this end? I did not expect to hear sad news so close to home when we're almost on the home stretch.

Today, we gathered in the Resus Room to pay respects and remember our co-worker. Although she was not an MSM employee, we claimed her as our own because she was assigned to the ED for 4 years. June was an agency employee sent to watch patients who were emotionally disturbed, suicidal or patients who are Fall and elopement risks. It was not an easy job; the patients were challenging, but she persevered and tried to help as much as they could when she was sometimes sick herself.

The room was filled with nurses, techs, and other ancillary workers. It started slow but soon the staff was sharing their memories of her. The chaplain led us in prayer. It was difficult to hold back the tears because I did not think that one year later, we would still be mourning the deaths of people we know. I didn't know that I needed the hug. The staff had a good cry then we dried our tears as we went back to work.

This second wave of Covid was not as intense as the first wave, but what is unrelenting is the slow road to recovery. Maybe it is our impatience to return back to normal. Maybe it's the frustration that people still die, despite everything we have learned.

One year later, my son is still safe and we have been indulging in our food trips, mask, and all. My 90 y/o mom is socially distanced in our home, with all her needs catered to by my family. We did her birthday celebration via Zoom on February 14th.  And I had my vaccine.

In reflection, I realized that coming out of this terrible period is doable. There is light at the end of this tunnel. We have to take care of ourselves, still seek those things that give joy to our lives, hold on for those moments of triumph, celebrate the lives we have saved, give thanks for the science of the vaccine, and rejoice for the grace and blessings of having survived through it all. Simply put, just keep on hanging in there. I look forward to the future of hope.

Alicia Keys’ “Good Job” By One Voice Children’s Choir